You don’t remember his name, his appearance, anything about him. You remember only the glistening incision in front of his freshly-shaven hairline, snaking back along the symmetry of his skull and ending near the onset of the spinal column. Later that night, you take your index finger to the center of your own forehead and run it clockwise to the cervical vertebrae. You pretend. Because it could have been you.
Read MoreIt was sometime after Easter, when spring grows heavier, the earth a bloated womb. My father, one of spring’s miscarriages. I drove home from school to see him. The couch in the living room was gone—that tattered, sunken thing permeated with my father’s smells and the little mountain range of indentations his body carved the way we mold to fit against a lover. My mother and father didn’t sleep separately out of contempt.
Read MoreIn between hotel sheets, stiff and crunchy under me, and the impossible blackness of a room without the faint glow of moonlight, I lay, naked. My eyes are open, but useless, and in my blindness I feel silly and exposed, despite the shelter our thick hotel curtains provide. I stare at the ceiling, willing it to answer the voice in my head, the What are you doing?
Read MoreIt wasn’t at a crossroads where Robert Johnson sold his soul to be a great blues musician, and it wasn’t like the virtuoso violinist Niccolò Paganini who supposedly sold his soul to the devil to be the best violinist to have walked the earth. It was actually by accident when I was buying a violin for the first time.
Read MoreI don’t like to answer the telephone.
“Hi Mom. It’s Cary.”
The familiar voice jolts me back to a nightmare. The voice of my first-born child. My precious son. Love and terror.
Read MoreYou can see through my dress. It clings to me in pieces and reveals just enough. I can move in this dress, walk down streets, perch on subway benches, sit cross-legged in sand. Because of this dress a Coney Island man plowed into a street sign, a truck driver howled from the other side of the Henry Hudson Parkway, prick in hand, and someone tossed a bucket of water on me from a second story window to see my underthings.
Read MoreI remember you in particular in the cold. In the snow. Though I seem to think the last time that we spoke it was raining. I recall rivulets running down the windows of your car. So much motion outside as we were so still inside. Even our mouths stiff and unresponsive. Mostly, though, you are the late fall to me, that soft sort of snow.
Read MoreGibbons are monogamous and bond in pairs. Orangutans are solitary and, for the most part, mate coercively. Males with large cheek pads called flanges are able to attract willing, in-heat females with long mating calls. Unflanged males must search for partners.
Read MoreA banjo player I met in that place told me once he was the seventh son of a seventh son. I never told him his name was the same as my brother’s middle name, the same as my mother’s first brother’s: a small boy, overexposed in the photographs left in my grandparents’ house. Influenza closed the small boy’s throat a few months before my mother’s seventh birthday. She heard it happen through the bedroom wall.
Read MoreI remember a long night in Africa when I called you during the midnight shift before you went to class. I could see the night sky through the window and it was the first time I noticed the Milky Way and felt the distance between us like the galaxy feels the gravity of the black hole at its center. I feared a love with that magnitude and believed I wasn’t worth waiting three years for, so I broke up with you under the weight of those same stars.
Read MoreBut when I imagine my mother’s mother, all I can see is her tying an apron around her waist, and there is a dark smudge in the middle, like how some old White crowds stood watching the swinging knot around someone’s neck that my mother’s mother knew. And yet still, she soaked her hands—wrinkled and wet—the brined black leather in the blinking soapsuds, washing china, and other plates, from other places she would never go.
Read MoreThe shuttle hurtles toward the sky, impossibly big, with impossible power, and we hurtle with it. There only sound in the universe is the crackle of voices from the onboard intercom and Mission Control. We lean toward the television. This is it, after all. This is where we are going. We are all going to escape this small town. We are all going to be astronauts.
Read MoreThe movie began like all Disney movies do. A privileged yet bleak childhood punctuated by loss. Thea doesn’t have any issues with Disney; she’s quite moved by a legacy of female helplessness and sacrifice.
Read MoreAfter 73 days of 140 miles of mind-numbing asphalt lined by pines and oaks and cedars, ink and paper and computer screens deciding if I am rich or poor or worthy of Uncle Sam’s largesse, over two months of waiting to be told if my kids can eat or get their teeth cleaned or get paranoia-inducing vaccines, and answering stupid questions …
Read MoreI once dated a woman whose parents had, when she was a child, bought her a Stradivarius violin. My knowledge of those violins, back then, was minimal—what they cost, their rarity—but I did know they were luxury items, that she’d been musically spoiled and would laugh playing any other instrument. They would, of course, all be inferior.
Read MoreI was freezing. I’d refused to trade my black leather / jacket for a coat that would cover my pregnant belly. / The gusts from Lake Erie were bitter. You held / out a candle, to warm my hands by. That was the December / Mark David Chapman shot John Lennon.
Read MoreHere is the good uncle, everyone’s favorite uncle, studious former all-star big man on campus, the kind of guy who picks up leaves one at a time until the lawn is a green carpet, uninterrupted by flecks of dead matter. Now the good uncle is telling a joke or passing around barbecue-flavored potato chips, but later he will be in front of the television set, forehead wrinkled in concentration while he tells children who aren’t his own to be quiet …
Read MoreYou keep trying to take advantage of a technicality—you doubt your own modesty (something valid, unreturnable, righteous, delayed). Sharp words, a quick apology—infringement you notice, adapt easily, without complaint. You are a good sport who’s asked to play, to join.
Read MoreYou knew there was something else, you knew there was something else, & so you waited…until I confessed that he had pressured me into sending a nude photo & then you shattered each of my DVDs in your hands, twisting, snapping, one at a time, in front of me, & kept going until everything I cared about was in pieces on the floor between us & then: you smiled.
Read MoreWhen I think of the radio man now, I think of Neil Young first: how his eyes lit up when we appraised the genius of Young’s melodies—nostalgia and grunge mixed with a dark abdomen of story.
Read More