White Homework
Students:
Please complete your white homework according to parameters and in a timely fashion. If you are hesitant to start working on your white homework, you are already behind. If you have neglected the past few years of white homework assignments, you may find it difficult to complete the forthcoming ones since they are dependent on previously-studied white skills. Nevertheless, the written and verbal portions of the white homework exam must be completed by all students regardless of their level of preparation or interest.
The culminating assessment is the white standardized test, which is used to determine the quality of a student’s understanding of the white homework’s contents and requirements. If you are not familiar, it is expected that you take steps to acquire a thorough understanding of the white cultural contexts and values that will shape this assignment and the subsequent test. No additional materials will be provided for this purpose.
Note: Some tutors and test prep companies might refer to this assignment and its various components as just “homework,” since the full title is a bit wordy and simply reiterates what is already collectively understood. The same is true for phrases like “white culture” and “white proctor,” etc. Here, we outline these things in specific detail, but in casual conversation it’s acceptable simply to call these things: test proctor, homework assignment, expectation, test, culture, author, book, etc.
Preparation
This is a standardized test, so of course there must be standards. If you’re having trouble figuring out what those standards are, it is recommended that you spend more time and money preparing. Study guides are available for $29.95 from a variety of companies that specialize in normalizing your understanding to conform to the perspective of the test writers. If you prefer a personal touch, group classes for test prep will allow you the opportunity to sit in a room with nervous, competitive white students who understand the true gravitas of the test and its impact on their future. Of course, since these students are white, the significance of their success is minimal compared to the import that the exam holds for you. If this doesn’t work out, they can always go work for their dad’s company, no questions asked. Of course, in order for their future job at said company to appear to be about more than inheritance or nepotism, they’ll need to score at least in the 60th percentile, which will work fine for them given their other advantages. Cost and quality for group classes can vary. Ignoring all this is free, but the cost of not having had these experiences is incalculable. Don’t you want to be successful? How do you think you’ll do that if you’re not willing to do the work?
Counterarguments
Written responses about non-white cultural experience will be difficult for your white teacher to grade and evaluate. It may necessitate that the white teacher read about non-white life and perspectives, which is a challenging and time-consuming undertaking. Your white teacher may feel a sense of trepidation in opening the pages of books by non-white authors because the things written inside may make him sad.
It’s also likely they these authors are angry, and your white teacher doesn’t want to feel threatened or like the way the world works is in any way his fault. If you wish to write about such material, it is best done during a month themed after the plight of the culture in question—such as writing about Langston Hughes poems during the month of February. During these times, your white teachers will be more primed to experience the ideas of black authors at a surface level. They will also find it appropriate timing since the calendar month will allow them to know the exact number of days they’ll be forced to confront such material. Be careful about introducing such subjects late in the month as the teacher’s grading load might necessitate editing some papers into the following month. After March first, teachers will find writing on such topics once again inappropriate, even if your paper was completed at an earlier date.
Unsolicited Questions
While generally your life is uninteresting, there may be fleeting moments when the test proctor wants to know eclectic facts about people like you. He may want to share them later with his white friends to make himself seem worldly at, perhaps, a company picnic or sporting event.
Sample Question
1. Can I ask you something?
A. No.
B. I’d rather not.
C. About what?
D. Leave me alone.
E. Of course, I love explaining things to strangers!
Scoring
If you’re unable to answer this or any question, move on to the next one.
Open Question
For this portion of the homework, you are to complete an essay based on a work of literature that has value, meaning, purpose, and white cultural relevance. You can select any piece of writing that you desire. Your best bet will be an old novel by a dead British man. You might also consider the array of novels by twentieth century white American male misogynists which will top the list for appropriate material to analyze. Steer away from obscure texts—those that lack white cultural relevance. Books by women and people of color are relatively modern creations, and it will therefore be difficult for our white readers to determine their relevance or longevity in the sphere of white cultural experience. It’s unlikely that graders will have read these texts despite their abundance and availability, so be careful not to select a book that our readers did not study in graduate school.
Sobriety Test
Stand on the white line fully upright with your hips aligned and your arms at your side. Try not to be wearing anything too baggy. Make sure your bangles aren’t clanging away; quiet is needed so the white test proctor can concentrate.
Say the alphabet backwards. Make sure it’s the right one—twenty-six letters. Remember which vowels can double as consonants in certain circumstances. Do not slur your words. Do not sing the alphabet as a song. Do not drop the “g” off of words ending in “-ing” when answering the test proctor’s questions. Look the test proctor in the eye, but do not do so in a threatening manner.
The darkness of your eyes and skin may make it harder it for the proctor to tell if you have had a few. Additionally, your dark features may make the white proctor uncomfortable. In the case that the proctor becomes uncomfortable in any way, he can change the parameters, questions, and expectations for the white sobriety test. He may also opt to base his assessment on the way he feels in the situation rather than the subject’s ability to perform the tasks.
How the Exam is Scored
Multiple choice sections will be graded by machine. Fill in all the white bubbles while staying fully inside the lines. Darkening the wrong bubble or marking the area outside of the lines will result in the grading device being unable to see what you mean. Dark answers will be considered correct provided that they are tidily kept within the provided outline and do not extend beyond it. Any dark marking intruding on the white space will render the full answer sheet invalid.
Due Date
Please complete your white homework by (insert convenient date for white people here). School will be out on Christmas Day in celebration of the birth of white baby Jesus, so don’t show up on that day. No excused absences will be offered for high holy days, the solstice, Eid, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Indigenous People’s Day, or bank holidays due to recent complaints. If you wish to file a formal grievance, white paperwork is available for you to outline your reason for missing school. It will be evaluated at the convenience and availability of our white staff.
Testing Procedure
Remember that you can retake the test at any time and that your highest score will be the only one you are required to send out. The more you take the test, the better you may do. Sign up at your local white testing center. The computers you will use there will have distracting, clicking keyboards and dark screen displays with pixelated green letters that were popular for many decades before we figured out how to do computers better. But these will be the machines provided for your use, so deal with it. The keys will be chunky and difficult to push down, but since you’ve been warned, if you arrive unprepared to cope with this detail, that’s your fault.
Timing
The test is of indefinite length with two short breaks to be determined by the white proctor. The proctor may also choose to ignore the breaks entirely. Test takers should be prepared to find themselves trapped in the testing center for an indeterminate number of days, weeks, or years.
You are now ready to begin the white homework assignment.
Take care and good luck!
Melanie Farmer is a Central Florida based writer and educator who holds an MFA in Creative Writing from the University of Central Florida. She is the winner of a 2019 Intro Journals Award from the Association of Writers and Writing Programs (AWP), and is the first winner of the Hurston/Wright Foundation’s Crossover Award in literary nonfiction, sponsored by ESPN’s The Undefeated. Her work can be found in The Tampa Review.