Just One Thing with Mingyu Brian Chan

Mingyu Brian Chan’s poem “haiku where i lay / with OCD, obsessing / over syllables” offers us a moment of emotional vulnerability. Here he shares just one thing about the piece: 

It’s awfully difficult to write a poem while living with OCD. It’s even tougher to write a poem about living with OCD. Creating, then publishing, permanent work is terrifying—especially when your brain begs you 24/7, using any myriad of disturbing examples, that you will deeply regret writing this poem. I’ve spent many months trying to overcome the fear that comes with OCD. I’ve had big wins along the way, although OCD is, and will always be, an inseparable part of me.

What keeps me writing? Fear, for one, is a great motivator. Victory is a greater one still.

One thing about my poem is the extent to which it derives from other work. This other work includes Samantha Chianese’s “Molothrus ater” and Felix’s “Poem in the Shape of the Poet Beating Henry Kissinger to Death with Their Bare Hands,” both of which I wrote directly after. Still, this other work also includes the writings of Paige Lewis and Cynthia Marie Hoffman, who catalogue their experiences living and creating with OCD. I cannot stress enough how much their work has saved me. Then again, my poem also derives from the extensive help and blessings from my mom, my ERP therapist, my mentors, friends, and so many others.

I’m gradually healing, understanding what I can be proud of. This poem is a large component of that. It’s astounding what we, as soft-bodied humans, can do: survive, and still go on to make art. I think, in the midst of existing with OCD, that’s what I’ve learned to live for. To be astounded.