Describe Your Most Recent Episode, Ctd.
DACULA WELLNESS – SANTA MONICA
Date of Assessment: 12/3/2036
(hope it is ok I’m typing up here, but I’d exceeded the characters in the relationship to mother box) so to get back to the question, Piper and me meet Mom one Sunday a month at the waterpark in Marina Cove now. She likes the food from their snack bar and that it’s a block from her apartment complex. Sometimes she’s waiting there with her hair all piled up with a sprinkle cone for Piper even though she knows my no sugar rule. Or sometimes it’s a sack of gummy worms or a headband with animal ears glued on, anything she can snag with her employee discount from Vons. Sometimes they feel like gifts for me. That’s probably a weird thing to say. She wants Piper to call her LooLoo and says she isn’t ready to be “Grandma.” LooLoo sounds young and fun, I guess, like how she thinks she is still. I don’t let Piper leave my lap here, and this is an example of where I’d like to be better about things, like she should be able to go float in the Lazy River with Mom, or share a cone with her, or even hug her. But I can’t let go. Hoping to get some help with this. She’s getting old enough where she’s starting to sense when things aren’t right.
Name: Jessica Schutt
Date of Birth: 10/1/2012
Address: 2319 Maycrest Ct. Apt #2, Santa Monica, CA 90495
Home Phone: 310-909-7656
Marital Status: Married Divorced Single Other √
Explain:
Living with partner
How long in current residence? 1.5 yrs
Rent or own: Rent
Other household members (include names, ages and relationships to client):
Joel Mason, 33, boyfriend, father of child. Piper Mason, 2, daughter.
EDUCATION
Highest level of school completed: GED HS √ College Degree
EMPLOYMENT
Current Employer: Amy’s Salon
Current Position: Stylist Assistant
Length of Employment: 2 years
MEDICAL HISTORY
Do you have any medical conditions or health problems? Yes No √
If Yes, please list:
(How often have you had trouble with your anger? cont’d) And I forgot to mention Jeb started up with the postcards again. My mom must’ve given him my address, but it doesn’t matter because every time I get one I stuff it down a manhole or grind it up in the garbage disposal, as if the trash can isn’t enough, like if I don’t it’ll resurface the next morning somehow intact, the World’s Largest Ball of Twine and Lucy the Elephant scooped out of the trash and left on our doormat by some fucked-up boogeyman. I just want to keep Piper from ever knowing about him. For as long as possible, anyway.
Do you take or have you ever taken prescribed/psychiatric medications? Yes No √
Explain:
(Relationship with Mother cont’d—this cool?) them. Jeb and Lisa. They were fan favorites. Jeb was always sweating and working out and eating something too hot for his mouth from the microwave and spitting it out which Sands fans thought was really funny. He did this at home too, which is why I don’t feed Piper microwaved things because it reminds me of what Jeb used to eat and his sweaty face. Plus, he hit my mom. So to make a long story short, Jeb fucked up our closeness. Which is why I love Joel because he is nothing like Jeb. He’s kind and funny like I used to be. Patient like I never was.
ALCOHOL AND DRUG HISTORY
Have you used alcohol and drugs before? Yes √ No
At what age did you first try alcohol and/or drugs? 11
What did you use?
(Physical abuse cont’d) and somewhere near the Grand Canyon. And there were the interviews he did on tv and in magazines. Like we’d be checking out at the store and there would be his stupid abs and face just smiling. Once Maggie even peed her pants in line at Safestop because she saw him on the cover of OK! Anyway, you get the idea, it was fucked-up. We can talk about it more when we meet if you want, but it’s really not what I’m coming for. This is more about me.
Goldschlager and cough syrup
Have you ever been in treatment for alcohol or drugs? Yes √ No
If so, for how long? Did you complete the program? 1 year in AA
Do you currently drink alcohol/use drugs? Yes No √
If you do not use currently, when and why did you quit? alcoholism
CHILDHOOD HISTORY
Who raised you? Parents √ Relatives Grandparents Other
Parents living or deceased? Mother living, father absent.
Number of siblings: 1
How would you describe your relationship with your father? Close Distant √
Explain:
Mom told us our real Dad wouldn’t have been able to handle one baby let alone two and that’s why he was gone and that was the only kind of bad thing she ever said about him. She used to say he looked like Jake Gyllenhaal and had the smarts of Bill Nye and that’s why we were so smart and also so good-looking. Anyway, he left before we were born and my mom had us on her own.
How would you describe your relationship with your mother? Close Distant √
Explain:
I’d say it’s distant now, but it wasn’t always like that. It was us three in the apartment until Maggie and me were four. Before Sands of Love, Mom made everything special. Like she’d glitter-bomb the kitchen on our birthday and make confetti cupcakes for no reason. Dye our bathwater pink. On beach walks we’d pick up shark’s teeth and put them in a jar by the front door. There must have been a thousand in there before Jeb kicked it down the stairwell. And we’d play games like, for example, sometimes driving through the McClure Tunnel we’d pretend to be in a whale’s stomach and get sneezed out at the end. You get the idea—little games, magical-feeling stuff. But that all stopped after Sands, after Mom brought Jeb home. When she was filming, things changed too because we had to stay with
Did you ever see your father or mother physically or psychologically abuse each other? Yes √ No
If yes, explain:
It was fine until Mom came back from Sands with Jeb. He brought us presents and there was a lot of him trying to show he could be our dad, but it never felt like he was trying to prove it to us. Like his ex, Sarah P., from Say I Do had just written that book about him and the abuse that went on during their engagement. And I think he was being real cautious for a while, rebuilding his image, as if the world cared what he did before or after his ex. Larry fucking Ferguson still let him back on Sands knowing all he’d done to her. It was all right there in the book, but things were different back then. I guess they’re not that different now. So, the presents were nice, but things got weird quick. Mom only left the house for work or with Jeb. And the way he always had his hand on the back of
What impact did witnessing abuse have on you?
I got my shit together after Piper, but in high school I was big into self-harm like cutting lines into my legs with safety pins and there was my drinking. Having Joel in my life helps a lot. His family was a mess too like we had similar problems that’s how we met in group. He’s together like he has patience for fatherhood and sobriety and reality. Yoga helps him with that too. I won’t do it, but he says setting intentions helps him get through hard days. I’m not sure what that means, but there is no way I’m bending on the floor like that for nothing. Anyway I’m so angry like I’ve never been, especially at Joel and Piper. They don’t deserve it and I’d rather talk to you than do a downward dog or a smiling lotus or whatever. I hope this info helps. Not sure what goes on a form like this.
ANGER/VIOLENCE HISTORY
Please describe in detail your most recent anger incident: When and where did the episode occur? What actions did you take?
I’ve started saving them on my phone because they’re so random and I want to remember. Like when Joel just wanted to set up Piper’s teepee in the living room and this gave me massive anxiety for a few reasons. Like
It wouldn’t look good and I just bought all these new things from HomeGoods with my tips
Piper would see it and would throw a fit when it was taken away
He wanted to put it up while she was awake, but she gets anxious when we do other things instead of play with her and it’s sweet, but I couldn’t get the ties right and the bunting was all tangled and I guess I just lost it and collapsed the whole thing. Tbh I kicked it over. Then Joel moved it to our bedroom and I screamed into a pillow when Piper wasn’t looking because I just want the house to be calm for her like she has
How did you feel while you were angry?
Explain:
It’s like I’m spun up in an undertow or something. I get hot and confused then guilty/sad.
(Recent anger cont’d) her play spaces and now our bedroom is an option for playtime when it’s supposed to be for us. And I’m angry at Joel most of the time. If he gives me attention or offers help in any way. When he feeds Piper on his lap instead of in her highchair. And I’m angry at Mom, but we don’t really talk at the waterpark and she’s not great on the phone so it’s all wrapped up inside of itself at this point. With the teepee it’s more like I want to keep things from spinning out, but I’m the cause of them spinning out. Joel says when I get like this my energy is suffocating and it’s been happening more and more since Maggie agreed to the reunion. Hoping to fix all this before it airs.
How did the anger episode end?
I can apologize and I do. Like I’m a reasonable person. I can admit when I’m wrong. But it keeps happening so it feels like maybe a new thing I can’t control. And I need to control it because I feel like soon maybe something bad will happen.
Were alcohol and/or drugs used by anyone involved? Yes No √
Was this incident typical? Yes √ No
When you become angry, how long does it usually last? Explain:
1-3 hours to 1-2 days.
(parents abuse cont’d) Mom’s neck at the dinner table. When we were filming Double Trouble, he’d walk with Maggie and me like that too at the mall or wherever, steering us around. Then he started breaking things saying it was an accident like the morning he threw my mom’s coffee mug at her leg. She still has a scar and a piece of the cup in her skin and insists she dropped it while emptying the dishwasher, but Maggie and I saw. That was the start of the hospital visits for stitches and the lies from Mom until there was no excuse because one day Jeb got mad and took Maggie. Left her alone at some bounce house gym. After that we didn’t see him for a while. Mom wanted to stay put in case he came back. He sent postcards from weird places like the World’s Largest Fork
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 representing no anger and 10 representing explosive anger, rate the intensity of your anger during the most recent episode.
Explain:
I’d say my anger’s like an 8
(Relationship to mother box cont’d) my neighbor Coolidge and her weird daughter who was obsessed with Hawaii. For two months we slept on their tv room floor. Maggie and I thought for a while Mom wasn’t coming back and we were going to be stuck with Coolidge forever and no one really said otherwise. So we knew mom wanted to find love and a dad for us and that’s what the show would do. You know how it goes on Sands of Love, everybody does. You compete for a husband and get engaged at the end. Then it’s up to the couple to figure out their life. You probably remember
How often have you had trouble with your anger?
It’s maybe always been there I guess, but I was using for so long or doing other things to deal I never felt it this intense. When Larry Ferguson called me about doing the reunion a few months ago it got worse for sure. I told him I’d do it because we need the money, but it feels so bad. Like we all never told on Jeb. Never went to the police or a shelter or some shit. Never opened our mouths about it because we knew Mom didn’t want us to. I wish Sands fans would give the Jeb and Lisa fantasy a rest and I wish Maggie wouldn’t play into it. Like he fucked us up. I can’t take all the lying.
Please describe in detail your most severe anger episode. When and where did it occur? What actions did you take?
That would be the last one when I was driving with Piper to meet Mom. She was freaking out about idk snacks or a toy. I’d just gotten an email from Maggie about the reunion and was mad and I couldn’t deal with all the screaming like I really couldn’t. I tried talking to her first like how they tell you to do on the internet, but that didn’t work so I pulled over and went in the back seat and she was squirming all around like little kids do. I took her out of her seat and her face was so red and wet and I just squeezed her shoulders and pressed her back against the seat pretty hard. I freaked myself out, but I just kind of went blank. Joel doesn’t know. But you see that’s why I’m signing up to talk to you. I don’t want something bad to happen. I feel like something bad might happen.
Main types of angry words and thoughts during this episode:
Shut the fuck up.
I can’t do this anymore.
Kill me now.
What would you like to change or learn as a result of counseling?
I just want things to be all right before the reunion. Like I need things to be in place, to feel like I have my head on straight.
I’d really like to know how I can be better. Patient and calm like Joel. Carefree like Piper. I want to get rid of this feeling like I’m chasing after something I’m just not fast enough to catch and probably will never be. To slow way down, so I can do the things Mom used to do like the pink bathwater and the whale tunnel, be like the mom she was before the shows, because now that I’m typing this, she really was everything.
I guess I’d like to learn how to accept the love around me, not nail it behind a door.
Clinician Signature: Date:
Carly Alaimo (@carlyalaimo) is a writer from Augusta, GA. She received her MFA in Fiction from Georgia State University. Her work has been published in Maudlin House, Hobart, Barely South Review, and is forthcoming in The Offing. She was a finalist in Peatsmoke Journal’s Summer 2023 Fiction Contest. She lives in Atlanta with her husband and two children.